The Dating Game
by Bob Rhynoplasty
Summary: Our favorite characters playing the game that I've never watched.
1. Arwen

**The Dating Game**

By: Bob Rhynoplasty

Summary: Our favorite game that I've never watched mixed in with our favorite characters!

Disclaimer: If I owned them I wouldn't be living in a $400 a month apartment now would I?

A/N: More after the movie rather than the book. Also, I wrote this a couple of years ago, and I got obsessed with reading LOTR fanfics, and I kept finding all these stories that were hysterical, but kept making Legolas this pansy gay man who's totally in love with himself. So I wrote my own, where he's not so girly. So there's probably a lot of these types of stories. Also, written is play form.

**Part One: Arwen**

HOST: Welcome to the Dating Game!!!

_(We see three men sitting near the right wall, nervous and sweating. On the opposite side is one empty chair. The two are separated by a giant wall._)

HOST: How about we meet our three lucky bachelors! Bachelor 1, state your name, occupation and why you are in the Fellowship of the Ring!

(_Bachelor 1 finally takes his gaze off his sparkly purple mirror to turn to the crowd with a pathetic smile._)

BACHELOR 1: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, right queen…KING of Gondor. I am in the Fellowship to seen brave so when I'm crowned queen- KING!- My followers will feel safe.

HOST: Uh-huh. Ok. Bachelor 2, same question, thing.

(_Bachelor 2 smiled a sweet, sexy smile. The (male) host drooled._)

BACHELOR 2: I am Legolas, son of Thranduil, prince of Mirkwood and I'm in the Fellowship to ensure that the Ring gets destroyed so Middle Earth will be safe. Also so no Hobbits get raped.

(_The more Legolas talked the more the host drooled. He was staring at him with a scary glare. Finally, after being hit in the head with a flying pencil, he came out of his trance._)

HOST: Right, uh, Bachelor 3.

BACHELOR 3: I am Theoden, son of Thengell. I am not in the Fellowship, but I am the King of Rohan!

HOST: Ok, two kings, one (_drools._) prince. Ok, now that we know our bachelors, let's meet our bachelorette. Please welcome, Arwen!

(_The bachelorette, Arwen, walks out._)

HOST: Now, tell us about yourself.

ARWEN: Well, I am Arwen, daughter of Elrond, granddaughter of Galadriel. I am single, and I'm here rebelling against my father.

(_She smiles._)

HOST: Uh-huh. Well, Arwen you can ask a series of questions and then choose a bachelor for yourself. Are you ready?

ARWEN: Of course. Bachelor 1, how would you describe the perfect date?

ARAGORN: Oh well, she'd be my king – QUEEN! We would sit I my hall polishing my staff……I so just said that.

ARWEN: (_Very disturbed._) Oook, bachelor 2, same question.

LEGOLAS: It would be in Lothlorien, a place close to be worthy of her beauty. We would sit along, dance when there was no music, laugh at nothing. We'd spend hours talking, until I watch her fall asleep.

(_Arwen drooled, the host tied himself down to prevent from jumping Legolas, and Theoden cried._)

ARWEN: Oh yeah, bachelor 3, same question.

THEODEN: Legolas is my date.

ARWEN: Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Bachelor 1, describe the perfect girl.

ARAGORN: He – SHE'LL – have shoulder length brown hair, blue eyes, strongly built, stubbly, wait (_He notices he's looked in his mirror again._) That's me. Ooooooh. Ok, she's gotta be hot. (_He puts down the mirror._)

ARWEN: That's nice. (_She perks up._) Bachelor 2, same question.

LEGOLAS: She would be beautiful inside as well as out, bright blue eyes like the stars, her long dark hair would shine more that the sun. And our love will outdo all evil.

(_Arwen cries and blushes. The host runs to buy a long brown haired wig. Theoden begins stroking Legolas' outer thigh. Legolas, feeling uncomfortable, scoots towards Aragorn, who smells Legolas' hair._)

ARWEN: Oh, uh, bachelor 3, same question.

THEODEN: Blonde hair, blue eyed. Six foot one, can kill an orc from a mile away, a prince….ess I can make I queen.

(_As he says this he wouldn't take his eyes off Legolas. Legolas again felt uncomfortable._)

ARWEN: Good to know, (_Slightly annoyed._) Bachelor 1, if you could be any animal what would you be and why?

ARAGORN: A lion, it's a hunter, like me! (_again, he smiles a pathetic smiles._)

LEGOLAS: The lioness is the hunter, not the lion.

ARAGORN: Yeah, sure.

ARWEN: You're an idiot. Bachelor 2 what about you?

(_She smiled, waiting to hear the answer, the host was putting on lipstick, and Aragorn was looking in his mirror again._)

LEGOLAS: An eagle, a warrior bird, so I can fly high to watch all the beauty of the world. Fly high and free, and at the end of everyday fly towards the setting sun.

ARWEN: I love you bachelor 2, I do.

LEGOLAS: I love your to my lady.

ARWEN: (_Swoons._) Oh, um, yeah, bachelor 3.

THEODEN: The snake. The eagle devours the snake. And Legolas' evil can devour my snake.

LEGOLAS: Uuuuuuh, look there's Éowyn! (_He points backstage._)

THEODEN: Éowyn is my niece, not my love. (_He put his hand on Legolas' leg. Legolas pulled out his bow and scooted Théoden's hand off him._)

LEGOLAS: You scare me.

ARWEN: OK! Bachelor 1, are you a virgin?

ARAGORN: Absolutely not! I lost it in collge.

ARWEN: With yourself?

ARAGORN: No, that was when I was eight.

ARWEN: I bet, anyway Bachelor 2, are you a virgin?

LEGOLAS: I am 2,931 years old. And I've waited this long to find my love, and I'll wait longer before I have sex. Yes, I am a virgin.

THEODEN: (_Whispers to Legolas._) I can fix that.

(_Legolas scoots towards Aragorn who begins brushing Legolas' beautiful hair. Legolas pulls his hair bac and scoots forward where he gets drooled on by the audience and the now drag queen host. He scoots back._)

ARWEN: Me too!

HOST: (_Cracks up._) Yeah right, you a virgin!

ARWEN: You got that off the movie "Mr. Deeds." Get your own lines! Bachelor 3, you?

THEODEN: I have a son, obviously I'm no-. Where is Theodred? Where is my son?

ARAGORN: He died a few years ago.

THEODEN: Oh right, Legolas, wanna make me feel better?

LEGOLAS: Gandalf can do that!

THEODEN: Gandalf's too old.

LEGOLAS: You're old. AND I'M OLDER!

THEODEN: But hotter. (_He smiles. He again put his hand on Legolas' leg. this time he stroked his leg while moving "North."_)

LEGOLAS: **SECURITY!!!!**

(_Security comes out, picks Theoden up and escorted him off stage. Legolas slouched in his chair in relief._)

ARWEN: Finally! Bachelor 1, have you ever kissed a man?

ARAGORN: Too many times to count. Around 200 times.

ARWEN: Not yourself.

ARAGORN: Oh, then five.

LEGOLAS: Why, how could you kiss yourself?

ARAGORN: I'm very bendy.

AUDIENCE: EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!

ARWEN: Didn't need to hear that. Bachelor 2 my love, what about you?

LEGOLAS: Well my love, I've been hit on by men but never kissed one.

THEODEN: **LEGOLAS I LOVE YOU! BE MY QUEEN!**

(_Legolas jumps up to avoid Theoden. Theoden tackles Legolas and drags him out. they walk by Arwen. Knowing the beautiful Legolas is the love of her life she leaps up out of her seat to rescue him but the security held her back. While a few went after Theoden and his prize, Legolas._)

ARWEN: Don't take him, bachelor 2, what's your name?

LEGOLAS: Legolas my love!

ARWEN: Get off me! Legolas I'll come for you! Where are you going?

THEODEN: Edoras, my lady.

ARWEN: I'll find you! I love you! I love you!

LEGOLAS: I love you too!

(_And with that they left the studio. Arwen was chained down to her chair. (No, not like that.)_)

HOST: Well, Arwen, you are now stuck with bachelor 1, let's bring him out!

(_Arwen closed her eyes. Tears filling her eyes. The wall between them lifts and Aragorn walks in front of her._)

HOST: Arwen, open your eyes and meet Aragorn!!!

(_Arwen's eyes open._)

ARWEN: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

ARAGORN: What am I ugly to you?

ARWEN: Immensely.

ARAGORN: I am a beautiful wom…MAN!

ARWEN: Right, we have to go to Edoras.

HOST: Actually, you have to go to Gondor for Aragorn's perfect date. Where you sit in his hall and polish his "staff."

ARWEN: You so just said that!

HOST: Yes I did.

ARWEN: Fine, but I have to rescue my love!

ARAGORN: What I'm not your love?

ARWEN: No!

HOST: And we'll be right back after the break with a new bachelorette!


	2. Eowyn

Not many people liked the first part. But I will remind you, this was just some stupid joke I had with my friends. I read a lot of stories where Legolas was such a total pansy, I wanted to make someone else the pansy, so I chose Aragorn. And for this part, well, I'm a sick person with a sick mind. 'Nuff said.

**Part Two: Éowyn.**

(_After the break there are three new bachelors sweating near the right wall. The wall separating then is back and of course the empty bachelorette chair. And the host is out of drag._)

Host: Welcome back to the Dating Game! Let's meet our new bachelors. Bachelor 1, please state your name, occupation, and what you had to do with The Lord of the Rings.

Bachelor 1: (_Stands up and looks tall and old._) I am Gandalf the White, the White Wizard. I am apart of the Fellowship.

Host: Nice specifics. Bachelor 2.

Bachelor 2: I am Frodo Baggins, I am unemployed, but I'm the Ring-bearer, so I'm special!

Host: Good for you, Bachelor 3?

Bachelor 3: I am Galadriel, I am the Lady of Lorien, I help Frodo face many treacheries, including myself.

Host: ok, if you're a girl, why are you one of our bachelors?

Galadriel: Me and my husband got a divorce, and since I'm unlucky with men I thought I'd try women.

Host: I like that idea! Why couldn't all women be like you?

Galadriel: Because all women would give up on men, then all men would have to be gay. Like prisons.

Host: Good point. But why aren't you just attracted to Legolas?

Galadriel: Because he's in love with my granddaughter!

Host: She's got good taste.

Galadriel: He.

Host: I said what I said. ANYWAY, let's meet our, hopefully bi bachelorette, Éowyn!

(_Éowyn walks out smiling. She sat down and turned to the former drag queen host._)

Host: Éowyn, please tell us about yourself.

Éowyn: Well, I'm a shield maiden, my husband left me for an Entwife and I like to sword fight.

Host: Pleasant, ok, um one of our bachelors is a woman, do you mind?

Éowyn: (_Perks up._) Not at all.

Host: Ok, well you can ask a series of questions and then pick one. Ready?

Éowyn: Of course, bachelor 1, how would you propose to a girl?

Gandalf: I'd point my staff at her, pull out the ring and say "Marry me."

Éowyn: Aren't you a romantic? Bachelor 2, same question.

Frodo: I would say, "You're lucky, you have me, now have me permanently."

Éowyn: Honestly, I'm in a room full of romantics. Bachelor…ette 3, you?

Galadriel: Well, I had a bad proposal, he just said "Rule with me," and now I finally realize how pathetic it was. Well, I would say, "You are the love of my like, the woman for me, and I want to spend all days I am alive with just you. Be my bride.

Éowyn: That's perfect, positively wonderful. (_She smiles._) Oh, uh, yeah, bachelor 1, have you ever had a one night stand?

Gandalf: I've had a few with Balrog, once with Saruman, twice with Elrond, once with Celeborn.

Galadriel: I KNEW IT!!!

Gandalf: And a one night orgy with Gimli, Boromir, Balrog, Sauron, and – (_Gandalf notices Balrog in the audience._) Shadowfax. BALROG! BALROG I LOVE YOU!

Balrog: Then why did you have oral sex with Radagast?!

Gandalf: Radagast thought he was straight; I was helping him be gay!

Balrog: Oh you're such a good friend Dalfy!

Galadriel, Frodo, Éowyn: Dalfy?

Balrog: You are my love! Marry me Dalfy!

Gandalf: Of course Balrog! (_And with that Gandalf and Balrog ran off to get married._)

Éowyn: That was fast, anyway, bachelor 2, same question.

Frodo: Once with Sam, and once with Galadriel.

Éowyn: When did you have a one night stand?

(_Galadriel sits frowning at Frodo for sharing their secret._)

Frodo: With Sam in Minas Tirith with Galadriel in Lorien. They were great. Almost as good as me. (_He smiles._)

Éowyn: Cool, bachelor 3, you? Please state with who and where, and how good.

Galadriel: Once with Frodo Baggins in Lorien. It was absolutely horrible as he didn't have much down south.

Éowyn: Isn't he a hobbit?

Galadriel: Some hobbits are relatively large. It must be a Baggins thing.

(_Frodo decides to put on the Ring and go "under" Galadriel. Galadriel sits unmoved._)

Galadriel: I'm sure Éowyn could do better.

Éowyn: I don't wanna know. Bachelor 1…2, describe the perfect girl.

Frodo: (_gets up and takes off the Ring._) Her name won't  be Galadriel, and she'll enjoy me!

Éowyn: Disturbing, very disturbing. Bachelor 3, same question.

Galadriel: She would be the most beautiful woman in the world, at least to me. Her heart would be made of gold. And my love for her would grow each day.

Éowyn: (_mumbles._) I'm in love with a woman.

Host: Just move on!

Éowyn: Can I pick now?

Host: No! You've asked like three questions!

Éowyn: (_Sighs,_) Fine. Bachelor 2, if I were to pick you, where would you take me?

Frodo: Mordor so I can take over with my precious…I mean destroy the precious…RING! It could kill us.

Éowyn: (_sarcastically._) Wonderful, I've always wanted to go there. Bachelor 3, same question.

Galadriel: Rivendell, under the stairs, where its just us surrounded by flowers to emphasize on your beauty.

Éowyn: Ok, I'm choosing! I pick the girl, bachelor 3.

Frodo: Hey, why not me?

Éowyn: You're disturbing!

Host: Ok, let's have these two beautiful ladies meet each other!

(_Éowyn closed her eyes. The wall lifted and Galadriel walked over. Éowyn opened her eyes and stood up._)

Éowyn: You are the one!

Galadriel: I feel the same way!

(_And with that they kissed or attempted to kiss. Celeborn walked out._)

Galadriel: Celeborn!

Celeborn: I'm sorry baby, you were right, your hair is prettier!

Galadriel: No, you were right, yours is.

Host: Your argument that caused you to get a divorce, was about HAIR?!!

Galadriel: Let's get remarried!

Celeborn: Of course! That's why I came here! (_They leave to get remarried._)

Éowyn: Wait! No! What about me?

(_Just then, Aragorn walks out._)

Éowyn: Aragorn?

Aragorn: Éowyn?

Host: Shouldn't you be in Minas Tirith with Arwen?

Aragorn: She went to Rohan to rescue Legolas. So I came back. Éowyn, wanna come with me to sit in my hall and polish my staff?

Éowyn: Which one?

Aragorn: (_Shrugs._) Either.

Éowyn: Sure.

Frodo: Wait, by default won't I get her:

Host: No, you get Bill.

Frodo: Bill? BILL THE PONLY?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (_He runs off stage closely followed by Bill holding a Trojan._)

Éowyn and Aragorn: Disturbing, very disturbing. (_They look at each other and start giggling._)

Aragorn: Éowyn, will you be my king….QUEEN!

Éowyn: (_smiles._) Yes, I would love to be your king…QUEEN!

Aragorn: I can wear pink King robes!

Éowyn: We'll be the hottest royal family ever!

Aragorn and Éowyn: Yey!

Host: Just LEAVE!

(_They walk off set to go to Gondor. Éowyn lifts Aragorn onto Brego, who continues to ride side saddled._)

Host: What a gay…I mean HAPPY couple. Well that's our show! I'm off to Edoras!

(_He ran off to find a certain elf to rape._)


End file.
